Spun OUT

Approaching my 30th birthday was like waiting in line for the newest thrill ride at an amusement park.

The anticipation is both nauseating and exciting; the line is creeping forward and the whole while you’re thinking, “yikes, you signed up for this.” You see the faces of the people around you, staying cool on the outside, but you know deep down, they feel the same way you do.

“What’s going to happen?”

“Why am I doing this to myself?”

“Hundreds of people get on this thing everyday, and they are fine.”

“What if I puke!?”

“I mean… look at their faces as they get off. Looks like such a rush”

This slightly torturous and impending doom lurks over you as you get closer, the knots in your stomach and hysteria builds. There is a point at the last minute, just before your time has come to step on, that you think… maybe I just won’t ride… But you do; you step on that roller coaster, settle in, pull the safety restraint down as tight as possible around your hips, and you think, “whether I am ready or not, we are taking off.” And then that’s it.

Ripping around the tracks strapped to a huge piece of metal that’s been perfectly engineered for this exact purpose. As the cart goes tearing through its course, everyone waiting to ride is just watching, like, damn… that looks intense. 

The ride comes to an end, the restraint lifts, and everyone merges towards the exit… some laughing, some looking as if they have just been through hell and back, and some high fiving each other. 

That’s how it felt to turn 30.

As the day got closer, at times I was a spectator, just watching my peers as the number of years they have been on this earth rolls over to a new decade. Other times I am on that damn rollercoaster; just mouth open, screaming and absolutely breathless. Full-well knowing, that I volunteered to shred through my life from day to day, at absolute hyper speed, just hoping to check one more box off of the list of things I would like to accomplish before I die (or turn 30).

I want to let you know, that I KNOW, there was no reason for my insanity, IT’S JUST A NUMBER… but that is not what the fountain of youth is about for me. It’s so much more than that. It is the accomplishments. The goals, the fruition and manifestation of everything I saw myself unfolding as… and growing as. It’s the hopes and dreams and the worry that I’ll never have enough time to do everything I wanted to. Sure most of this is just made up in my head, but to me, it was as real as that freaking roller coaster.

I grieved on that dreadful little Tuesday, and the very next day, I woke up ready to get me life back to the way it should be. I was feeling calm, cool, collected, and giggling at myself for being such a drama beast.

Life is good.

Thirty feels the same as twenty-nine, shocking right?!

Much gratitude for the grounding and loving words from friends, family, and clients while in my chaotic state.

It would have been much worse without all of you ❤️



To My Anxious Friends,

I think it is safe to say that the word “overwhelmed” describes your emotional world right now.

I think it is safe to say that you are trying too hard to understand and see what each path and choice will lead to in the future.

I hate to be the one to tell you, that no path, or outcome is guaranteed… and the only constant in life is change, and transformation. No amount of anxiety or attempted control can make things any other way.

I was a very high strung person. My control issues were a result of my fear that a crippling anxiety attack would eventually overtake me. After a lot of hard lessons, meditation, and finding a quiet space to house my worrying heart… I have learned now, to come back to this space of surrender.

I experienced so many situations in which I was shown that no amount of worry or struggle could ultimately control the future.

We hold the keys to our own happiness. Those keys do not come in the form of a map which perfectly orchestrates, and coordinates our lives, to manifest as the ideas and images we put there. So our only option is to surrender to what life brings us and to take each knock as a lesson, each triumph as a blessing, and each love as an experience of divinity.

The only control we have over our lives, is in each present moment… there we have the ability to make choices that will lead to more love and happiness for ourselves and for those around us. To put more good into the world by being aware of the time, space, and opportunity we have right then and there.

Don’t dim your light to fit in.

Don’t ever make yourself small.

Not for anyone.

Trust that when you have to let something go for one of these mentioned reasons, that something so much better is waiting for you.

Fulfillment begins when you stand in that power.

With love,